Reminder From 22 Year-Old Me…

Turning the Pages

Unlike a book, newsletter, or article, these pages cannot turn back. Memories linger in the back of my mind while time continues to press forward. Turning the pages, not knowing what to expect on the other side, I begin to reminiscence about the many mistakes that I have been able to overcome. I have no regrets because everything in the past was a lesson in its own right. I understand now how any action has a consequence, whether good or bad. Words and how one speaks has more depth, power, and meaning than we realize. There is a difference between being in love with someone and just loving the company of someone; not wanting to be lonely. One wrong movement in the turning of these pages can have a dramatic effect on the outcome of the story. Just because I want certain people to be in my future, does not mean they were meant to be there and their time in my life has in fact run its course. Though I am not perfect, as a human being, I was not created to be.

I have stumbled and fallen so many times, opened the wrong doors, and strayed off the narrow path, but God has always given me the strength to prevail. It is very possible for an individual to be renewed and delivered no matter how dark of a past they had. I know God still has work to do with me so I plan to continue turning these pages until He has finished with me. Look out world, He has a plan for the woman you thought you knew. A new beginning is on the horizon, and its future is looking bright.

It is amazing how accepting God as your Lord and Savior can completely change your perspective on life. I begin to see a lot of things through a different type of lens. What looked green and rich, I can now see was brown and infertile, and vice versa of course. I used to be so cautious and doubtful about what those pages would bring, but now I can carry a smile and understand that everything will work out for the best regardless if it goes against what I wanted. However, I do realize that once those pages are turned, there is no going back.

Taking advantage of the opportunities I have been given is very important to me. Cherishing moments with people I love is an aspect of my life that I should appreciate more. I control my happiness and only I can take it from me. What I allow to hinder my progress is my fault and my fault only. I may hit some walls along the way, but that does not mean I have failed. Some battles just need a little more effort on my part. And on this wall, there is a rope near by and in order to beat this obstacle, I must climb it.

There are over 7 billion people in this world and endless opportunities. Each of us has a limited time on this soil. What is worse is that as we take each breath, we do not know if it will be our last. Life is giving you a gift and the gift is the events that take place between birth and death (The Untethered Soul, 133). So why waste this gift on focusing on what is already done and cannot be changed? A life of freedom and spiritual growth or a life where one feels like they are mentality, emotionally, and spiritually caged in; the choice is up to each of us. And always remember, as you turn your pages, there is someone of Higher order who is always reading them. Try to make those pages worth reading to the end.

Original post: Wednesday, February 18, 2015 (https://thekiaraproject.blogspot.com/2015/02/turning-pages.html)

hide and seek

It’s funny how we look at isolation and hiding as a protective measure but when just a little bit of light shines on us, scars appear and we become confused as to where they came from.

In the darkness, we hid ourselves from want we thought would harm us. We hid ourselves because we felt that was the best way to stay safe. We have become so blind that we don’t realize that we are also hiding ourselves from the truth. Fear kept us away from the true meaning of light. The love, hope, and nourishment of that Light.

And in reality, we were committing self harm.

Why do we tend to seek comfort in the darkness? Why have we become so accepting of the darkness surrounding us? Why is the feeling of love, hope, and joy so terrifying to imagine.

Why do we continue to wait for others to find us when the only one playing hide and seek is ourselves?

Relapsing ThOUghTs

I understand they may never fully go away.

I know the frustration, pain, and disappointment they bring can resurface any day.

I feel the urges to exhale the anxiety.

I acknowledge that me forgiving and letting go are not easy.

I want them to hurt the same way.

I realize my struggles are not unique.

I seek His love and guidance daily.

I remind myself someone could easily feel the same about me.

Finally At Ease…

It was about 20 years ago when her first known traumatic experience occurred. This little girl I knew didn’t really understand what was going on, but had an uneasy feeling about it. That unfortunate event was suppose to set her down this life course of fear, pain, and destruction. That event was suppose to keep her quiet, meek, and locked in a dark box, accepting what others thought about her. That event was suppose to send her down the same path of generational hardships she thought she should be complacent with. That event was suppose to cripple her mind into believing she was to blame and she deserved the adverse effects. That event was suppose to pierce her heart and make her believe that Love was not written in her story….in her destiny. Twenty years later, I met with this now young woman for a much needed conversation. Although anxiety rushed through my veins and post-traumatic stress rushed through hers, we both knew the time had come. We sat down facing each other and as I took a deep breath, a subtle smile began to form on her face. I looked into her eyes and watched them well up with tears (of joy). My eyes too began to well up (but of grief). For some reason I wanted to apologize for not being the strong woman she needed for all those years. For a second, I felt as if I failed her some how. But she feels this and reaches over to put her hands in mine. I started to put my head down, but she immediately tells me to pick my head up. She then says, “Stop beating yourself up. They were wrong. He sees us, knows us, and Loves us. There is no more need to worry; we are doing well Kiara.” And then it happened…my nerves were finally at ease.

No Malice

The point of my intentions felt kind of brushed over. Unfortunately, examples were paid attention to more than the actual message and key points. It was said that I didn’t acknowledge certain things when in fact I did. Although I tried to keep an open mind, I will admit that I still felt some resistance and misunderstanding. But as I held my tongue, I quickly realized that it is not my job to get someone to understand or respect my perspective. If someone doesn’t agree then that is okay. No need to fight or harbor anger. That just isn’t my responsibility to get them to see through my lens. It also isn’t my responsibility for them to take the time to get to know me versus making assumptions about my character. I did my part and that was be honest and open about my boundaries and struggles. I hope one day that could be understood but if not, I will be okay.

I also couldn’t quite understand how being different in how I communicate was a concern. I was judged as “standoffish”, but anyone who actually knows me knows that’s a lie because I have never been unfriendly or cold to others. Last time I checked being a naturally quiet person doesn’t equate to be standoffish. You judge me because certain dialogues you still have, that go against my faith, do not interest me anymore? I tried to be someone I wasn’t before, but that was depressing and just isn’t me and I wished that maturity was noticed. I guess I was a little disappointed in the effort made to understand my point of view in regards to that. However, I cannot get mad because that was their perspective and they have every right to their opinion. Just wished more respect was shown. Doesn’t make sense to have a conversation about a vulnerable issue when one laughs before the conversation even begins and even admits to skimming over your words. Then to project your narrative onto another instead of acknowledging what they were going through just adds to the frustration. Although I made it very clear and asked for those boundaries and triggers to be respected, once again I was being compared to others for no reason. My intent was to give an olive branch, but the effort was one sided and keeping the ball in my court apparently was easier for them.

And unfortunately, what I saw and heard didn’t surprise me and in the end, forgive is what I needed to do and forgive is what did. I forgave myself and them as well. I hold no anger in my heart. They have a journey and so do I. There have been many great things and people that have come into my life over the years and anything that was said that night will not dictate my happiness or peace. I can see that there was something God needed me to observe that night, although at times I was becoming doubtful of gaining anything useful out of this conversation. I realized that my desire to “restore” some relationships isn’t always needed and walking away is probably best. That isn’t my job and I had to move out of God’s way.

I realize that it’s okay to close the door sometimes in order to get your mind right. Lessons were learned and I will cherish the growth. Friends or not, I’m good. Love is still there because that is what my Father has taught me. I know who I am. If others want to learn that truth about me then that is their move to make (just like I took the time to get to know them). I did what I needed to do for me and I have no regrets. Opening up in a way that was beneficial for my growth is how I move forward. And honestly, it just felt good not to hold it in anymore or feel guilty for speaking up. I didn’t want to hold the pain against anyone anymore. I wasn’t trying to be right. I was trying to do what is right in His eyes. If friendship can strengthen from this point then great, but if not, it is something I am willing to accept. I rather have love in this heart of mine than have the darkness.

Mahogany

Lord I asked you for one, just one. Just one person I could lean on for guidance and learn from their wisdom as I adapt to this new land. But my God, You gave me so much more. I am still in awe to the blessing they have been in my life and for that, I don’t want to disappoint them.

Their eyes filled with hope in my reach. But if I can be honest, I am a little overwhelmed by how proud they are of me. The bond happened unexpectedly as it is hard for me to just open my heart completely to anyone. But somehow Your words became more clear the more I allowed myself to connect with them. I am not used to this feeling. This kind of acceptance and nurturing was unheard of where I am from. You have given me the opportunity to develop fellowships that are effortless and genuine. The wisdom, love, friendship, and guidance that they have brought into my life over these past few years has been so beautiful. Seeing Your Love through their hearts and minds replenishes my spirit. It makes me want to hold on to Your words even tighter.

I always used to dream that I could surround myself with women like me. Women who are not judging each other out of fear, jealousy, or bitterness. Women who support and encourage one another regardless of the chaos that may surround their lives. The relationship works both ways and neither side is afraid to open up to the other and just have an honest conversation. So strong, so humble, so giving. Tears of joy fill my eyes as I find myself praising Your name without even realizing it. Once again Lord, I prayed and You answered. YOU ANSWERED! I cannot thank you enough for these inspirational Women of God but Lord I pray for You to please continue to bless them and their families.

They are passing the baton and though I am nervous, I just remind myself of Your promise.

just a little

Prayer is getting a little easier.

Faith is getting a little stronger.

Patience is getting a little longer.

My reach is stretching a little further.

Love is getting a little deeper.

God’s presence is getting a little clearer.

Lost Files…

I hesitated and once again lost a golden opportunity to let forgiveness in and overcome the power of offense. But I didn’t do it. Courage deserted me the moment their eyes saw mine. It doesn’t help knowing that they saw it too. I am disappointed in myself because I know I am better than that. I don’t know why I try to make myself believe that I am forcing things in my attempts to engage or that they don’t have the desire to interact with me. So as usual I isolate. Thought I was over all of this but I guess not. And although I know there is resistance from their end as well, I will hold myself accountable for mine. The fear of being hurt again was more on my mind than restoring the love and friendship that was once on our side. Lord I failed You again and there is no excuse for this shame I feel inside. I miss the effortless laughs and fun that was shared and I’m pretty sure they do too. Will we ever get through these growing pains? I have faith that the foundation we built remains and hopefully one day, after shuffling through these ruins, we can find it together again.

Just another day in the office

Days like this cause my mind to wander. Strong smells of coffee, ego, disparity and judgment fill this space around me. The most interesting part is how the moment I start to feel distressed, I have this unbelievably desirous feeling. Not out of fear, doubt, or worry, but out of love. But then again maybe that’s it….I’m desirous of love. Desirous of knowing. Desirous of You! The enemy continues to send its goliaths my way, but all it does is cause my spirit to call out to You more. This resistance to darkness is getting stronger and it feels so good. Thank you Father for this strength!

this too shall pass

Today wasn’t the best and homesickness has set in pretty bad. Comforting faces and personalities have been so distant, I feel like I’m still at the peak of withdrawal. However, I try not to let those sad thoughts seep beneath my skin because I understand why the absence is needed.  Although my heart will always want them near, at the end of the day, wanting You to be my first and last thought will always take precedence.