I fight so hard to rid myself of these sins. It’s like I am consumed with finding a “cure” to these chronic diseases. But the more I pray and talk to the Lord, I start to understand that His plan never included me being “cured” of all these sins. All He wanted was for me to put Him first and let him take control. Sin will always come around but my obedience to Him is what will determine my fate. And during these talks with my Father I have realized that I have mistaken conquering for curing. Some of my struggles may come up from time to time, but what is important is how I react to those situations now vs then. And with God first, there can only be triumph from here.
I misspoke before when it was my purpose I thought I needed an answer to. It was my position in which I still seek understanding. We all have the same purpose which is to serve and glorify You and be disciples to Your children. But how we achieve that, is the only difference. I am not sure why I allowed that to get to me. Unfortunately, the ambition and patience were definitely conflicting with each other. Smh at myself but I’ll be alright. Learning is part of the journey…..Although I may not know exactly what position my Father wants to use me in, I will worry no longer and trust that it’s going to be dope (haha)!
Day after day I walk into this environment of confusion and distress. As I go about minding my own business and finishing out this fellowship, their misery surrounds me. I understand they feel that their misery needs company but last I checked I didn’t buy a ticket to board BS Express. Offended by my difference, the enemy keeps trying to attack. I will admit that every once in a while (like today) I do “shake” with frustration and irritation but I do not let it reach anger. It’s kind of funny seeing how offended some of them get because I don’t respond in a way they expect. Seeing a smile on my face all the time disturbs their every being. They phish for information to try and use it against me but I don’t hesitate to remind them of His greatness. But ultimately I just have to forgive and pray that they one day find peace and love within themselves.
This place could have been very damaging to the old me and I am reminded of that. But my Father has shown me that He saw something better for my life. There was just something He wanted me to see! He gave me the perfect tools and strength to overcome this stage in my life which is why I press forward. This is more than me!
What the future holds and what I hope to accomplish in my community are never too far from my prefrontal cortex. And even with the excitement of the possibilities, there is also this feeling of anxiety. So many things I am good at but not one sticks out to me as THAT thing. That thing that God targets and builds that stands out from all the rest. That thing in which it is clear what your calling is. That thing that doesn’t send me drifting into uncertainty. It always appears that others have that one distinct thing, but then there’s me.
Sometimes I daydream of what could be or what is to be. And although I am forever grateful, is being a good wife and student all there is to me? Yes, that may sound crazy and Lord I ask you to forgive me. I ask that You please help this daydreamer to see beyond just some blurry images that resemble trees.
Lord I don’t want to do this.
I am tired of dealing with this.
I am no longer optimistic or hopeful.
I feel like I made a mistake or took too many wrong turns.
I don’t feel as though I have the energy I used to fight for this.
Sometimes it even feels like things are getting worse.
This is too much right now.
I want to give up so bad!
And yet, I find myself continuously getting back up and pushing forward.
I hesitated and once again lost a golden opportunity to let forgiveness in and overcome the power of offense. But I didn’t do it. Courage deserted me the moment their eyes saw mine. It doesn’t help knowing that they saw it too. I am disappointed in myself because I know I am better than that. I don’t know why I try to make myself believe that I am forcing things in my attempts to engage or that they don’t have the desire to interact with me. So as usual I isolate. Thought I was over all of this but I guess not. And although I know there is resistance from their end as well, I will hold myself accountable for mine. The fear of being hurt again was more on my mind than restoring the love and friendship that was once on our side. Lord I failed You again and there is no excuse for this shame I feel inside. I miss the effortless laughs and fun that was shared and I’m pretty sure they do too. Will we ever get through these growing pains? I have faith that the foundation we built remains and hopefully one day, after shuffling through these ruins, we can find it together again.
I have been going back and forth to this blog for months. Do I write? How should I word these posts? Have I lost my desire to write? Are they really helping anyone (myself or others)? So many random and conflicting thoughts running through my mind with no clear beginning or end. Phrases…..quotes….incomplete sentences.
- It’s funny how we look at isolation and hiding as a protective measure but when just a little bit of light shines on us, scars appear and we become confused as to where they came from. Because in the darkness we hid ourselves from want we thought would harm us. We hid ourselves because we felt that was the best way to stay safe. We have become so blind that we don’t realize that we are also hiding ourselves from the truth. Fear kept us away from the true meaning of light. The love, hope, and nourishment of that Light…
- “If you find yourself always wanting more things then you will always find your glass half empty.”-KDP
- I hate that I haven’t found the courage to laugh and love some friends and family as I once did. I get around some of them and immediately it’s like the old pain and desire to forgive.
- “Fear is a dead end.”-Lisa Bevere
- “In today’s world, being true to yourself is becoming more socially unacceptable.”-KDP
- This toxic environment is getting to me. I pray for wisdom and patience because my motivation to continue this work left months ago. Greed and validation drives their selfish ways. God has shown me their true characters and intentions which has allowed me to set my many boundaries early before their darkness influenced me. I don’t want to be here and it has honestly been difficult trying to understand why I need to stay. Yes, I have met some amazing, God-fearing people at this place that have helped restore my belief but many of them will be leaving soon…….This learning experience has shown me a lot and maybe this is His way of saying where I thought He wanted me to go wasn’t His plan for me. Or maybe I am overthinking it as usual (haha)….I just…..nevermind……[Delete]
- “The greatest epidemic we have yet to conquer is ignorance.”-Anonymous
- “Knowledge without love destroys.” John Bevere
- I can’t…nope not going there
- The difference between hearing and listening is that only one has the desire to understand.”-KDP
- “How you treat others gives insight to how you see yourself.”-KDP
- I really wish I could be there more for my little brother D and sister Kiki but during this last visit my God has shown me that they are still paying attention and need me even when I think my impact is limited by distance.
- “Never confuse movement with progress because you can run in place and go nowhere.”-Denzel Washington
- “Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.”-African Proverb
- I know I will be alright. I’m way too hard on myself but We are working on it.
- I lied. There has been one consistent thought that has always had a clear beginning and end. “Jesus is the answer.”
- Maybe I will get back to this writing thing.
I wake up with an unfortunate expectation of distress. But why is the thought there even when I know nothing is really wrong? I am honestly confused at times. It’s perplexing to feel like my mind has been conditioned to feel worried or concerned. Haven’t really thought about it until now but for some reason I keep feeling like I am messing up somewhere. Maybe I am just too hard on myself because I want to get this right. As I sit back and wonder if I am doing God’s will and if I am doing right by others or myself, a faint voice once again reminds me that everything will be okay!
Drowning in thought is such painful experience. At times I feel paralyzed in a negative state of mind. Just the thought of someone potentially lying, hurting, or deceiving me sends my mind into this dark abyss. I know this darkness is generational which is why I pray constantly for the Lord to take it from me. I want it to end with me. Another innocent soul shouldn’t have to live with this tainted blood of mine. Sometimes I get so trapped that I black out and feel as though my spirit has left me. I don’t know when I will ever be free from this. If only people knew the thoughts that haunt me. Tears fall but I don’t want or feel sympathy for myself. This mental and emotional madness is trying to corrupt me but my God, I know that You will save me!
Days like this cause my mind to wander. Strong smells of coffee, ego, disparity and judgment fill this space around me. The most interesting part is how the moment I start to feel distressed, I have this unbelievably desirous feeling. Not out of fear, doubt, or worry, but out of love. But then again maybe that’s it….I’m desirous of love. Desirous of knowing. Desirous of You! The enemy continues to send its goliaths my way, but all it does is cause my spirit to call out to You more. This resistance to darkness is getting stronger and it feels so good. Thank you Father for this strength!